Musings on Place, Travel, Books, Literature, Poetry, Literary Criticism, Collecting, Media, Life and the Arts

A Selfish Fear

I’m having some difficulty coping with the shock of my father’s death. Although he went quickly, at the top of his game, and we (my sister, brother and I) did him proud in the service, the disposing of his ashes and the celebrating of his life; although the two of us had a beautiful, clear, unified, laughter-filled connection during the last years of his life and he would have wished none of this, I am experiencing sleeplessness, confusion and anxiety at the thought of slipping into depression. There is an involuntariness about physiological response to emotional shock that upsets, leaves one feeling helpless, frightened, weak, incapable and overwhelmed by the silliest things. It’s as if a selfish fear has pushed its way in, obstructing the expression of genuine sorrow

I’m assured that all symptoms mentioned above are common to mourning. My concern is that they will be long lasting and debilitating.

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3 Responses to “A Selfish Fear”

  1. Steve Clackson Says:

    Time does tend to lessen the pain, after losing both parents over the last
    ten years there have been many long nights. The lonely wee hours changed me and life became much more introspective than I wanted. That said I think it also strengthens us and perhaps gives us a new appreciation for enjoying each day and the little moments in it.

    Each day one more breath one more step
    sorting through memories and events
    places, smells, sounds
    It falls to me now
    Love and teachings put to the test
    Celebrate the life
    embrace good memories
    bathe in their warmth
    look into younger eyes
    and live, love and heal.

  2. Nigel Says:

    Thank you for sharing this with me Steve. I had some qualms about putting such personal reflections on a site that also serves a ‘professional’ purpose. In fact I’d planned to remove the post this morning.

    Canadian artist and poet Christopher Pratt in a recent interview told me that the reason he created art was to share himself with others in the hope that by doing so they would understand him better and feel comfortable sharing themselves with him.

  3. Steve Clackson Says:

    I was hesitant at first to comment but after some reflection I knew I wanted to say something. It is extremely difficult for most of us to open that door. To share ourselves is the one last barricade to really connecting with another person, not an easy thing to do but a step I believe to be worthwhile.
    Friends and ‘cyber friends’ will relate. Best Steve

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